


TROPICAL DUEL

by SANS_TITRE



Category: Fire Emblem Heroes
Genre: Absurd, Armor, Beach Holidays, Boats and Ships, Fights, Islands, Other, Summer, Suspense, Theatre, This Is STUPID, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 12:32:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15291609
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SANS_TITRE/pseuds/SANS_TITRE
Summary: Ephraim is up for a nice little stroll on the beach, but when a mysterious lady embarks him on her ship, a whole lot of weird things are about to disturb his day.Including the following :-A spaghetti obsession-Cannibalism-Evil plots-A sturdy frying pan(No clickbait)





	TROPICAL DUEL

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MessMidy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MessMidy/gifts).



(It is a fresh morning, yet the sky is clear of all clouds. The red sand is soft between Ephraim's toes - neither too hot nor too cold. A rush of wind fails to make his hair move in any way. It stands still like some kind of marble statue.)  
EPHRAIM : What a beautiful day. I was right - getting up early to enjoy the beach when it's not overcrowded with tourists was the best idea ever conceived.  
(He walks into the water, until he realizes he has forgotten to take off his armor.)  
EPHRAIM : Ah, oops.  
TITANIA : May I help you, stranger?  
EPHRAIM : Who are you?  
TITANIA : Who am I?  
EPHRAIM : Yes, you, your name. What is it.  
TITANIA : Carrot cake.  
EPHRAIM : I beg your pardon?  
TITANIA : I heard it's tasty.  
EPHRAIM : Your name is "Carrot Cake"?  
TITANIA : I might have left a slice in my hair somewhere, let me look... do you want to taste it?  
EPHRAIM : Would it be like, a first name and a family name? No, that would be silly.  
(Titania rummages through her hair, looking for said carrot cake. She finds a frying pan, and hits Ephraim in the face with it.)  
TITANIA : Wait, no, that's absolutely not what I was looking for. What I am doing.  
EPHRAIM : It hurts!  
TITANIA : That's good. It means it's sturdy and reliable.  
EPHRAIM : Huh?  
TITANIA : Say, do you want to visit my island?  
EPHRAIM : Sure.  
(They hop onto a boat and set sail. Meanwhile Camilla, Elise and Eirika arrive on the beach behind them.)  
EIRIKA : Uh... brother? Where is he going?  
CAMILLA : Who knows. Oh look! Is that a dragon?  
ELISE : No, it's a butterfly.  
EIRIKA : I thought it pas a paper plate?  
ELISE : You dummies are both wrong!  
A RANDOM SEASHELL : So are you, young girl, because that butterfly is actually Lucina under a mask.  
ELISE : What does it say?  
LUCINA-BUTTERFLY-THING : We have updated our privacy policy.  
ELISE : Gzg.  
EIRIKA (Putting on sunglasses) : shoot it down.  
(Camilla charges a giant canon, but shoots herself by mistake)

(meanwhile, on the boat)

EPHRAIM : So, I still didn't catch your name!  
TITANIA : That's sad. It's an animated classic.  
EPHRAIM : God damn it.  
(They arrive at the island.)  
TITANIA : Land-ho.  
EPHRAIM : You don't say?  
IKE : Oh, if it isn't Titania. With a stranger, I sea. Who it seems, despite having had plenty of time to do so, still hasn't taken off his armor.  
EPHRAIM : Aaaah!  
IKE : Tragic.  
TITANIA : My bad. I was so focused on helping him that I forgot to help him.  
SOREN : Hi, I'm Soren!  
EPHRAIM : Did anybody ask?  
SOREN : I did.  
TITANIA : You asked _yourself_ what your own name was?  
SOREN : I'm very lonely.  
IKE : At least you got an answer to your question.  
EPHRAIM : Yes, wonderful.  
SOREN : Shut up and take off your armor already.  
EPHRAIM : I can't! It's stuck!  
TITANIA : Fortunately we have an expert in armor-removing on this island!  
IKE : Do we?  
TITANIA : Yes! Her name is Kana.  
EPHRAIM : I bet she doesn't have that many occasions to make use of her talents.  
TITANIA : Last week Soren got stuck in a helmet, she was very useful.  
IKE : How did that even happen?  
SOREN : I was looking for my sandwich.  
EPHRAIM : You found it?  
SOREN : I realized I was the sandwhich all along.  
TITANIA : Fascinating.  
IKE : Does that mean I can eat you?  
SOREN (Blushing) : You want to?  
IKE : I'm pretty hungry.  
SOREN : Well... I guess... (giggles) I'll let you have a bite, heehee  
(Ike bites Soren in the neck, and chews him up. Soren dies.)  
IKE : Delicious.  
EPHRAIM : WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?  
ZELGIUS : You witnessed everything, and yet you still ask this useless question.  
EPHRAIM : Where do you even come from?  
ZELGIUS : I'm the cheese.  
EPHRAIM : Oh, right. Makes sense. Wait, no it doesn't!  
ZELGIUS : Apologies.  
TITANIA : Apple pie.  
EPHRAIM (Drawing his sword which probably has some unpronounceable name of some sort) : You must die for this.  
ZELGIUS : Lets us fight then.

(Meanwhile, on the beach)

EIRIKA (Standing on Camilla's ashes) Are we the useless intermission, then?  
ELISE : Don't ask me. I'm deaf.  
EIRIKA : ... how did you know I asked a question, then?  
ELISE : La la la I can't hear you!  
EIRIKA : La la la I can't... uh... smell you. Ha!  
ELISE : Oh, get rekt... me... wait, why do I care?  
(Eirika falls asleep)

(Meanwhile, on mountain Everest)

CELICA : So, I guess I'm in this story too?  
FORSYTH : No you're not.  
CELICA : Oh, cool.  
FORSYTH : Pool.  
ALM : Drool.  
LUKAS : Tool.  
GENNY : Fool.  
DELTHEA : Sausage.  
CELICA : I hate you all.

(Meanwhile on the island)

EPHRAIM : I'm gonna cut your head, butthead!  
ZELGIUS : My head or my butt?  
IKE : Your ankle I bet.  
ZELGIUS : Are you stupid? Why would you bet on my ankle?  
IKE : Don't ask me. That Soren meat was probably rotten.  
TITANIA : Cream puffs...  
EPHRAIM : Can we fight already? I feel like we've been holding off long enough.  
ZELGIUS : After you.  
EPHRAIM : No, after you.  
IKE : After you.  
TITANIA : After me?  
ZELGIUS : Yes. After you die.  
TITANIA : Great.  
IKE : Hey, you still haven't taken off your armor.  
EPHRAIM : I told you it's stuck!  
IKE : Do you need help?  
EPHRAIM : I think I'm cursed.  
IKE : It happens.  
EPHRAIM : I'm thirsty.  
IKE : Now that's another problem.  
EPHRAIM : I want to be loved.  
IKE : Can he... even hear me?  
EPHRAIM : I want spaghetti.  
IKE : Like, only _one_ spaghetti? It would have to be pretty big if you want to fill a whole plate with it.  
EPHRAIM : I want a phone.  
IKE : Would you have also one cheese with that spaghetti? How big a plate are we talking about, here?  
EPHRAIM : I want recognition.  
IKE : What about the sauce, would you have to sprinkle it all along the spaghetti?  
EPHRAIM : I want...  
IKE : Would you eat it with a fork? Wouldn't that be a waste? Shouldn't you use your fingers instead?  
EPHRAIM : I...  
IKE : Would you even need to boil it? How much water would you use, then?  
EPHRAIM : I think I broke him.  
TITANIA : Pancakes.  
EPHRAIM : Yes, precisely.  
ZELGIUS : I never asked, but why is the sand red? Like, it's been mentioned in the first few lines of the fanfiction, but why is it relevant?  
EPHRAIM : Ah, uh...  
KANA : Mwahahahaha!  
ZELGIUS : ?  
KANA : It was all part of my EVIL PLAN to kill you all! You thought I was merely an ordinary armor-remover, but I was in fact _secretly_ turning the sand red while you were not looking!  
EPHRAIM : Oh no!  
ZELGIUS : Monster. How could you.  
TITANIA : Donuts!  
IKE : Maybe you could microwave the spaghetti inside a glass of water, it would help you gain some time...  
KANA : Mwahaha, being evil is so much fun!  
EPHRAIM : I can't believe it. It's the end!  
SOREN'S CORPSE : Am I the only one that wonders in what way turning the sand red is going to hurt _anyone_?  
EPHRAIM : Shut up.  
ZELGIUS : Shut up.  
IKE : Shut up.  
TITANIA : Muffins.  
KANA : Wait, he's got a point. _Why_ did I do that exactly?  
ZELGIUS : If you don't know, no one will.  
THE SAND : What a disappointing turn of events.

(Meanwhile, on the beach)

EIRIKA : If you could have any superpower, what could it be?  
ELISE : The superpower to turn into a pineapple whenever I want!  
CAMILLA'S ASHES : Hilarious!  
EIRIKA : Save me.


End file.
